Doji, Diaper, Dodgy
by Athrna
Summary: One-shot. Sai's mysterious past-centric fic - an Uchiha before he was a Root member. He had lived a normal life in comparison and then he had forgotten. Uchiha boys had their set of social problems! Sai was landed the task to babysit Naruto and Sasuke when no one else was available: the back story of "dickless" and "chickhead", respectively the nicknames for them. Coarse language!


Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto. Copyright to Kishimoto Masashi. Happy now?

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Full summary:-

A Sai's mysterious past-centric fic. This is a short story of him being an Uchiha before he was a Root member. He had lived a normal life in comparison and then he had forgotten. He was landed the task to babysit Sasuke and Naruto when no one else was available. The back story of "dickless" and "chickhead", respectively the nicknames Sai had for Naruto and Sasuke.

Although this is a one-shot episode from _Like A Dream_, it can be read without knowing my rendition of the Naruto-verse. It is the supposition _if_ Sai was a child of the Uchiha, who was made to have forgotten his own heritage completely for Danzō's convenience.

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A/N: I hope you'll find this funny. It isn't exactly a crack-fic, but it is my best attempt so far. This is my interpretation of Sai's possible past. He wasn't in Root before, but it doesn't mean he "had fitted in" before. Uchiha boys had their set of social problems! Please enjoy reading, and review if you like it.

Spoiler information is published at the end. A lot of people have been asking me the same questions concerning Toshiro in LAD and S3. Yes, Toshiro is Sai. I'm a bit tired of typing out the same thing repeatedly. Since I have this one-shot written and posted, I have a non-spoil-it-all blurb at the end for those who are interested. Scroll down if you want the sneak peek at how one of the many aspects in the LAD project would play out.

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**Doji, Diaper, Dodgy**

Officially, they called it "study leave"; it was _really_ a week-long holiday. It was a sudden holiday, but a holiday nonetheless. Since all chūnin forces, including the Academy fraction, were called in for monitoring that particular Chūnin exam, Academy students in Konoha had that week off. It didn't mean they had no homework. They had exercise books to hand in for marking by the beginning of next week.

To Uchiha Toshiro, the actual homework materials were no trouble. His excellent results securing his place as the rookie of the year were the very testament to that. The only problem he had was to find the strength writing his homework _and_ babysitting at the same time. It was so difficult because it was his first time on the job, and he had no idea what he was doing. After all, he had been the youngest Uchiha before Sasuke was born.

Now he was stuck between two babies and a pile of exercise books, sitting on the table and waiting for him.

He never liked school nor did he dislike it. He just preferred holiday, so he knew he shouldn't complain.

On the days off, he was permitted to do something that he enjoyed other than just studying and training, which he wasn't keen on but had no say in the matter. On the plus side, he had made a few friends there, though they were ones he didn't always get along with.

There was that time when the other boys asked Toshiro to join them in their "ambush". That sounded quite cool, so Toshiro went for it that one time. Normally, he would rather sit in a corner by a tree, under the shade and just draw. He had more fun observing people, not so much participating. During that particular game, he remembered they had to act like they knew ninja techniques - not that he didn't actually know - and threw them at each other in a theatrical fight.

As Toshiro was a member of the outnumbered team, they had to defend themselves from the incoming "enemies".

"Katon: Hibashiri! (Fire Release: Running Fire)" A boy on his side shouted a fire technique's name and formed a misshapen hand sign.

"Foo~ Foo~ Foo~"

The bunch in the middle followed by making strange noises that were supposed to resemble the sound of blazing flame. Then, everyone apart from Toshiro was doing something resembling jazz hands in a frenzied manner, to represent the fire that was burning in a circle as a protection wall.

Toshiro was confused. He blinked his eyes twice and stared at them all, clearly dumbfounded. He didn't do what they were doing and his team looked at him like he was an outcast.

"Why didn't you join in?" The leader of team, who was the tallest, glowered at the shorter Toshiro from above.

"That's not how you do the tora seal," Toshiro explained.

He had been practising fire techniques for as long as he could use the tiniest bit of his chakra, and he believed his family would not teach him the wrong thing. They just wouldn't. They were Uchihas.

They used fire.

"Oh-, is that so?" the leader mocked with distaste, giving an eye roll.

Toshiro nodded lightly and smiled. "Yes, I'll show you."

After he had spoken, Toshiro copied the exact hand sign the leader did. Holding his hands together with all three fingers up in the middle, he attempted to mould his chakra to perform the technique using the incorrect hand sign.

Nothing happened –

– simply because that was not how one would properly form the tiger hand sign. It might have been a game, but accuracy was still something to be taken care of. That was what Toshiro believed.

All the other children looked at the struggling Uchiha sweating and they laughed at him; Toshiro overlooked their laughter and kept trying.

"What are you doing?" another boy teased as others booed in the crowd.

"I'm proving it to you that the seal you did was wrong, so it wouldn't have worked. That means the enemy team actually got through to us and we are all dead right now," Toshiro responded with honesty, still giving the incorrect hand sign a try.

The leader of the group felt embarrassed. "If you're so good, why don't you _actually_ do the jutsu?" he challenged the young Uchiha arrogantly.

This boy was staking the chance that Toshiro couldn't produce the imaginary for real. At that, Toshiro adjusted his hand position to what he had been using as the tiger seal and channelled his chakra through his surroundings. Suddenly, a fire ring lit up, burning fast and strong. Screams and shouts broke out from the children on the playground.

Toshiro smiled. It was the first time he tried this technique and he found success. The leader paled in horror, walking away from Toshiro like he was some freak. By accident, he fell over a stone crassly and his butt hit the ground.

Soon after, a homeroom teacher came around to check what was happening. Consequently, Uchiha Toshiro got his first and last ever detention in his school career. The reason: he bullied his fellow classmates. A promising shinobi from the Uchiha clan, him, was found smiling when he had performed a fire technique out of combating class near the other students.

It was weird. He did exactly what he was told. Why was he the bad guy?

Although he never found out why, that was when he learned the moral of the day.

_Ignore them._

One thing Toshiro was sure of, though - he swore he had a problem talking to the other children his age. They seemed to have a lot of miscommunication going on.

_Shisui-jisan said Itachi-nisan and he had that problem when they were younger. Maybe it's an Uchiha thing._ He settled with that in his mind. Poor Toshiro didn't know that his was a different sort of misunderstanding which he tended to have in comparison to theirs.

Shisui thought too far ahead; Itachi tripped up on social cues; Toshiro took everything too literally.

Staring out from the living room of the residence of the Uchiha head, Toshiro sighed heavily to the rain outside. He sat by the low table with one leg crossed and the other up. He was half slouching on the surface where his homework was spread, not quite in a mood to do it right after he had pondered on how he got his detention. His cold was not helping, either. He grabbed another piece of tissue and sneezed hard into it. He felt too dizzy and lethargic to do anything. With the two babies napping blissfully after lunch, Toshiro finally had some quiet peace.

He wanted to draw, but his homework needed to be done.

Those exercises were repetitive, tiresome, and useless. He knew all that stuff before he enrolled in the Academy, so why did he have to go through schooling?

It was the only way to become a registered shinobi by law.

Personally, Toshiro didn't care much about becoming one or not; it was the clan's best interest. The Uchiha refused to produce weaklings, and they would do everything to prove all the other clans in the Land of Fire and beyond.

They stood strong.

Toshiro really didn't care, but he wasn't allowed to say that out loud. He was a child and no other clansmen cared for his opinion apart from Shisui and Itachi, especially since he had become an orphan. He had no parents sticking up for him.

Auntie Mikoto went to visit her parents who chose to live outside the Uchiha community and the village, and his guardian, uncle Shisui, was probably smooching somewhere….

He wouldn't normally be the one to do the babysitting. There were always Itachi-nisan and Yuna-neesan before the task would land on his hands.

_Sadly, they're sitting their __Chūnin__ exam and eight-year-old me is left alone with Sasuke and Naruto._

They might have been babies; they knew what and who they didn't like. Although there were times that the blond-haired kid would tolerate the spike-ebony kid's bully, there were more times the young Namikaze shoved his foot on the Uchiha baby's face for revenge.

_Honestly, did he owe you something in your last life?_ That was a question to be directed at the both of them.

Sasuke hated Naruto's existence and Naruto hated Sasuke's guts.

For some obscure reason, the two babies shared an extremely bipolar relationship. One minute they could be best buddies, the next they could be at their throats to win over the attention of their own - and even each other's - sibling. After a while, Toshiro had it figured out. Sasuke didn't like how Itachi-niisan cared for Naruto, and Naruto didn't like how Yuna-neesan cared for Sasuke. The babies disliked the fact that their own sibling gave just as much attention to the both of them.

Toshiro was very afraid. Not only had he no experience in changing diapers, he had no desire to get involved in how the two babies running their death race, or be the victim of them joining forces to prank the caretaker of the day.

_Himself_.

Either way, they were just as bad.

The most surprising aspect of all had to be when the almighty Uchiha Shisui had admitted his defeat before those two mischief-makers. Since that time Sasuke had puked right at Shisui's face when he was feeding him, Shisui avoided babysitting him again. He liked children; however, he evidently minded Sasuke. Shisui claimed that Sasuke did it deliberately, because his youngest cousin's older brother, Itachi, was looking over his best friend's shoulder to see her brother's cute, sleeping face. Sasuke saw that, he did it, and then Itachi rushed over to look after his own brother.

"Don't drag me into your competition, Sasuke," Shisui warned with dimmed eyes, scolding the baby as he waved his index finger. After he had wiped his cherished, handsome face clean and clear with a moist towelette, he declared his stance to the baby Uchiha. "I will not have you – "

Sasuke made a funny face at him.

Promptly, the adult turned away in his supressed anger and decided that he would ignore Sasuke for some time. Even when the baby had craved for his uncle's attention, Shisui didn't give a toss. He didn't hold Sasuke when he had asked – more like gestured – to play walking in the air. For the sake of it, Shisui spared Naruto his extra attention, too.

Sasuke was very moody that week.

For as long as Toshiro could remember, Shisui had been one of two big brotherly figures he looked up to. The second cousin, first removed, treated him like his own brother. His mother had died during the labour; it was even more so after his father's passing due to poor health about a year ago. So, Toshiro began living with Shisui – the two orphans lived their lives together like birth brothers. Well, they both had lost their whole families. To Toshiro, Shisui was a generous and loving hero in his life. Shisui was there the whole way as he grew up and taught him many things, including the art of flirting. It wasn't something that young Toshiro knew the use of it for the time being, but Shisui's principle was "it is there, at least."

For such a kind person he was, Toshiro never understood why his uncle had chosen this approach toward their clan's youngest member, until that day.

"Doji!" a grumpy Sasuke cried out, trying to catch the older boy's attention. Toshiro stopped after he had finished writing a sentence in his workbook and walked over to the demanding young lord.

Toshiro didn't understand what was so difficult to pronounce his name. To-shi-ro. Sasuke just didn't do it. Baby Sasuke decided that he couldn't get his tongue around –to, so he did the easier alternative –do; he also decided that he couldn't quite enunciate –shi, and he got yet another similar sound to replace it, –ji; finally, he just skipped the –ro altogether.

Toshiro had sympathy that Sasuke, at his age, needed time to develop in his speech. He really wouldn't have minded, if only his fully-transformed name was complete nonsense. Unfortunately for him, the sound "doji" took the meaning 'clumsy and clueless'. He couldn't help but feel insulted. It was only natural.

"Hai, hai. How can I help you, Sasuke?" Toshiro looked down at the baby, who was covering up his mouth with his tiny hand. Sasuke pointed at the other baby who was sleeping and facing the other direction. Upon that, the babysitter was puzzled.

"Doji! Smell!"

"I don't smell, Sasuke."

Feeling self-conscious, Toshiro instantly brought his white t-shirt up to his nose and took a big sniff. _I'm all good._

"That's rude," he said in a quiet voice, sounded slightly hurt.

Baby Sasuke kept holding his nose, stomping around, and pointing at Naruto, who was soundly asleep and rolling around the tatami mats. Toshiro then advanced his way to baby Naruto. When he was only a few inches away from the blond-haired kid, he could faintly pick up _the_ smell.

Naruto had pooped in his afternoon repose and hadn't woken up.

Toshiro was debating if he should wake up the baby and change the wrapping; or better, let it be and not change the diaper at all. Apparently, baby poo took a pungent odour of vomited fish-and-chips that stank in strong vinegar. Just thinking of it, Toshiro wanted to back off. He really didn't want to change any diaper.

"Doji! Naru smell!"

"Okay, okay!" Toshiro threw his hands back. Did baby Sasuke read his mind? _No way…._ But he knew there he wouldn't get out of changing the diaper now.

Taking the new substitute towelling, a toilet roll, and a pack of baby wipes, Toshiro made his way back to Naruto and turned him over to face him. Just in case they would make a big mess in the process, he pulled the baby's legs up carefully and placed a towel underneath. His blocked nose came handy and so it didn't smell as bad as he had expected it. Toshiro thought it would be great if Naruto could stay asleep when he was changing the diaper. When the tapes were taken off the sides, Naruto opened his eyes wide and started to kick around.

The crap was flying through the air… then it smashed onto Toshiro's clothing. Even worse, that bit of brown looked too obvious on the white t-shirt. It was disturbingly disgusting. Forcing himself to calm down and finish changing the diaper, he could hear the babies chanting together, very much excited.

"Doji! Doji! Doji!"

The boy held it in.

Nippily grabbing a sufficient amount of toilet rolls, he wrapped up that splash of poop that landed on his clothes. After wiping that bum clean, sanitising the anus area as well as the minute weenie, and putting the new diaper on, Toshiro felt that he had done a good job. It fitted properly and baby Naruto was moving around freely again.

"Doji! Doji! Doji!"

The two babies were grinning together when they saw Toshiro was now stressing out on how he should deal with his filthy top. They were giggling and rolling around the tatami mats together, almost like they were celebrating for something.

That was when Toshiro realised he had been fooled all along. He could now confirm that the babies had planned this to get him. He was fuming. These two sinful creatures that took the form of cute babies were unforgiveable. They might be infants; they were evil. Toshiro had enough. He needed to swear off his stress - one of the many skills he had honed under Shisui's "teaching". Nobody was there to listen, only Naruto and Sasuke. They were babies. Toshiro highly doubted they could replicate what he was going to say in such a rapid speed.

"Doji! Doji! Doji!"

It was all good.

"You dickless!" Toshiro firstly insulted baby Naruto. It was the first time Toshiro saw a baby's, and it was surprisingly small. He knew, thanks to Shisui's teachings, that the male reproductiive organ was a man's pride, and so it was the first insult that he could come up with after what he had just seen. "How could you? And I was so nice to change your fucking diaper! I'm telling you now. Even if I don't remember and can't recognise your face in the future, _I know you, dickless_. Mark my words. I'll forever be mean to you, because you kicked your shit onto my t-shirt."

The furious Uchiha moved his assault to his younger cousin.

"Chickhead." Toshiro thought up this nickname with the help of the pointy end of Sasuke's hair. "Why're you like a bitch going around and try to steal everyone's care? Are you an attention-whore? Do you have nothing better to do, wanker?"

He spoke his mind, it was heard, and they were in the head residence.

Did that feel good?

_Yes!_

Toshiro spat so fast and loud that the babies were stormed in utter shock. They didn't understand most of words the older boy used. They didn't have time to react. Naruto felt slightly uneasy and lowered his head; Sasuke recovered from the yelling shortly and gave an uncaring "hmph".

Talking off his top, Toshiro decided to abandon his now-reeking t-shirt. He chucked it to the bin in the bathroom before wandering to Itachi's bedroom and borrowing one of the smaller tops in the draw. As Toshiro made his quick return, Naruto had been waiting by the doorway.

"Gomen," Naruto said sorry softly. He was about to break into a cry as his shining blue eyes withheld tears, pouting with regrets.

"That's okay, Naruto. I'm sorry for swearing at you." Toshiro stroked the baby's golden hair and his lips hung in a forgiving smile. "I suppose I can reconsider how mean I'll be to you. I'll sleep on it."

Meanwhile, Sasuke had another idea. He was mucking around with Toshiro's art tools. Baby Sasuke opened his cousin's treasure box and the party was on - throwing, snapping, more throwing. Some of the crayon pencils were split in halves and pages of his sketchbook scattered into pieces on the floor.

That meant war.

"Are you picking a fight, Sasuke?"

"Doji."

Toshiro was so angry that he didn't notice it. His eyes gleamed blood red when he glared at his baby cousin. Meeting the threatening gaze, Sasuke turned around immediately and crawled away like nothing had happened.

"Hn."

Toshiro ignored that little prick's attitude. He was more than sure that Sasuke by now must have identified "doji" was an insult rather than his real name. Instead of continuing the one-sided, dodgy brawl, Toshiro took a deep breath and began the tidy-up.

When Toshiro was about to change the diaper, Shisui had been standing outside and listening. Now, he was reconsidering what he _should_ and what he _shouldn't_ get his eight-year-old cousin into. He was a legal guardian and perhaps he hadn't been doing as good a job as he had hoped.

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_Info for readers:-_

******Sasuke's hairstyle**

I genuinely think his hair resembles a bird's behind. You can disagree. It's just how I see it.

**Diaper**

It's the American version of "nappy", but it rhymes better with "Doji" and "dodgy" with the alliteration line-up.

**Wanker**

British vulgar slang - the American version would be "dickhead". It just sounds funnier to have "wanker" there.

**-SPOILERS!****-**

How come Sai could be Toshiro?

Talented children from various backgrounds were drafted into Root, like Torune from the Aburame Clan. Sai could just be the Uchiha clan's tribute! Supposedly Toshiro was forced into Root before the massacre, he had met his adoptive brother Shin, killed him through the Root emotion-killing training program and gained a pair of mangekyō sharingan. Danzō then grouched both the eyes out and used them to fight Shisui, as it has been briefly mentioned in the epilogue of _Shisui's Side-Story _and the exact occurrence would be revealed as the story reaches its climax.

During or even before the massacre, Sai was forced into a coma for some years. This was done to avoid gossip and complication. When he woke up, he was simply told that he had been unconscious for years due to an accident in a mission. Completely brain-washed with his memories altered to Root's best interest and a pair of "normal eyes" transplanted onto him, Sai was also forbidden to use his nature affinity, which was fire (and that sort of explains why an ANBU like him never displayed any elemental manipulation). Because of that, Sai advanced and focused on his drawing technique, which was something he had been exploring with Shisui's encouragement and help back when he was young.

In the canon, Sai thought he was seventeen and everyone believed him for being seventeen. However, he was older than that. He passed for being a seventeen, because it's usual that there are people who look older and mature physically faster than the others.

In the Uchiha massacre, all Uchiha were killed but two lived in the open to Danzō's knowledge, Itachi and Sasuke. Danzō clearly valued the Sharingan very much. What if he had kept a male Uchiha in Root, made him forget his birth identity and waited for the right time to let that person reproduce in order to avoid the bloodline's extinction in the far future, that was if everything had gone accordingly to his plan. It didn't, of course. Danzō was killed by Sasuke in his seek of vengence. Many things didn't go as planned, just like how Danzō wanted to take over Konoha and had failed a few times (in the anime).

When you put the scattered information in LAD series together, there's a complete explanation of why Sai's real name was Toshiro, although mostly in _Shisui's Side-Story_. Sai was named after Shisui's deceased, 20 years older brother, Toshi, who was a national hero died at the age 24, protecting the country at the beginning of the Third war.


End file.
